Guilt is a complicated topic when it comes to motherhood. For many of us our existence can be a guilt ridden experience where we switch from one task that we’re told “must be done” to the next item on a list of whose creation we know not. The acceptance of the laundry list of tasks takes us on a journey of which we do not enjoy, did not won’t and from which we will not wake.
Perhaps this is the starting point of your participation in the matriarchal order which you were joined into at the conception of your child. It may be that the initial joy and elation in the birthing suite have since faded, and now you find yourself locked in step with a system which takes no prisoners, and has no cares.
Good Sales People
As a founder and business owner of my own enterprises there are many books that you pick up, podcasts that you tune into, and conversations that you have as you explore what it takes to grow a commercially viable business.
When it comes to sales there are a few tactics that are used almost universally in closing a deal. Aside from the basics of putting a product in front of your customer, there are other psychological tools, such as pressuring people with time limits on an offer/deal. This time-short opportunity plays on our instinctive desire not to miss a good opportunity, or put negatively, not to regret, and feel guilt for missing the opportunity.
These are the pitfalls of fast paced motherhood.
The guilt cycle.
- No time to think.
If you are a professional business woman you’ll know that having no time to think stops you from making well reasoned decisions.
- No time to invest properly.
Without proper time to think there is no proper investment that can be made in what you do.
- Only time to fail.
This lack of time given places us on a cycle of constant reasonless striving that is doomed to failure.
- Failure to produce produces guilt.
This cycle of failure kills your body’s ability to regulate your hormones correctly, and often results in a constant feeling of being a failure as a mother.
Autonomic actions vs goal oriented
After a long enough period of time many of our base functions as women can become the hum-drum of what was hum-drummed into us. These unthinking sets of actions are what are described as autonomic. These autonomic actions are absolutely vital to the efficiency of life – when we respond quickly in the spur of a moment to push our child out of the way of an approaching bus, to catching a falling glass. These are autonomic responses when set correctly produce an efficiency of life.
However the problems occur when actions become autonomic, that should be in the realm of a conscious goal-oriented decision. One research paper which looked at neural habit systems published in 2016 puts it like this:
“disorders such as OCD and addiction may induce a pathology that results in an over-reliance on habitual circuitry in situations in which greater goal-directed control would be more advantageous.”
This is the unfortunate situation that many of us find ourselves in with the constant pressure of life, our physical reward systems have been reoriented to provide small and temporary relief to a more fundamental issue. That being disconnected from goal-directed control of important movements in our daily lives.
Shifting to goal oriented actions
The shift from “autonomic motherhood” to “goal oriented motherhood” is an important one. How can it be achieved?
- Begin with the big things.
Start with laying out the most important 1 or 2 things in your life.
- Bounce it off a good solid wall.
Find a person that you can talk with that can listen, and give you accurate feedback, I personally have used mentors myself over the years.
- Make your YOU time your time.
Take your time that you spend alone, and use these precious moments to reestablish who you are in the world. Sometimes when we go from courting our partners to then suddenly having children, the shift is so dramatic, that sometimes we forget who we are in the process, or even more profoundly, that we weren’t really here.
- Reprogram yourself.
Take hold of what it is that you are in your essential being, and start to force yourself into the things that bring you true joy in life. This might start from eliminating a habit or behaviour that you don’t like yourself doing. Perhaps the start of it is to make a list of what you do with your time, and then break it down into 1 hour blocks. This can help you get an idea of how you are living in your life.
- Write down your failures.
Create a list of things that you feel you have failed at, put them up against your newly thought out goals. If they are different, you can now stop feeling guilty for not doing them. The guilt evaporates once you realise that these were never your goals as a mother or professional in the first place.
The Importance of YOU time.
Once you start by taking a step back, you will realise that YOU time is essential for the people you are living in the household with. The many schedules that you have created and auto responses generated by unthinking “autonomic motherhood” start going away.
You begin setting goals for yourself that are achievable, and the completion of those tasks changes everything from your mood to your energy levels.
If you are looking for positive changes in your life and family, as well as professional career you’re always welcome to book a call on my site and get in contact with me directly.
Simone Lord
Simone Lord is a keynote speaker, women’s health specialist, lifestyle coach, mentor, and family finance advisor.
Reference Links
Strategies to apply pressure in business
